I Don't Want to be Alone Anymore!
by Merely Corroborative Detail
Summary: Kyo Sohma hates the world; he's convinced the world hates him. Therefore, he makes the logical decision: to leave it. But there's someone out there who loves his ward much more than he thinks... YAOI; also, Kyo is uke; fangirls, you have been warned.


The door was locked twice; the traditional Japanese bath was filled almost to the brim with warm water; on the side were neatly arranged a pen, writing pad and a stiletto knife, and from downstairs, the noise of the Sohma New Year celebration could be heard. All was set.

"Well" thought Kyo bitterly "I'd better get this over with"

He was far away from his usual, rowdy self; the youth had made a decision so heavy that it had calmed him down as if for good.

The bath water, he'd once read, would make the blood flow easier; if Seneca was anyone to trust, all he'd feel was a sting around the wrists before he passed out; or rather, away. Of course, no-one actually knew he'd ever heard a thing about Seneca; nor about whether he studied anything in general; nor, for that matter, whether he did anything other than disturb them or not. And this was really just all the more reason for doing what he was about to do.

So, taking the pad and the pen, Kyo Sohma began, in his best calligraphy to write down his suicide note:

***

"Oh, Shigure" asked Ayame, already quite a few cups of sake overboard "I can see my brother; but I can't see that other orange-headed little ward of yours?"

"Kyo?"

"Yes" said Ayame in a daze "Yes; that's his name"

"What about him?" asked Shigure.

"Well" said Ayame "You'll be starting your dance any minute now, and he's going to miss it. Don't you know where he is?"

"Beats me" said Shigure "Besides" he added "He really would be pissed if I decided to go looking for him when he clearly doesn't want to be seen."

And with that went back to hitting on Rin. He really thought himself very sexy in his flashy year-of-the dog kimono –he was doing the dance out of cycle because the zodiac member in question had fallen sick- yet even so, the question of where Kyo exactly was didn't completely leave his mind…

***

_"Dear family" _was Kyo writing meanwhile _"This is my suicide note."_

As soon as he wrote this, though, he stopped for a moment, tore off the paper and threw it away: no; not dear. Nobody was dear to him at this point. He decided it was best to rephrase:

_"Dear nobody" _he thus wrote_ " While I'm writing this, you'll probably be having a blast at the New Year party; but when you'll be reading this, I'll be dead. I'll be dead, and you'll have my body right in front of you. That's right, sucker! You're sitting next to a dead guy."_

Here again Kyo paused and gave perhaps the saddest grin in his life. Despite what he was writing, he knew full well that if anyone was the sucker in the story, it was him.

_"And for the record" _ he continue_ "I think anyone who has any probability or reading this is equally responsible. Of course, first of all this is your fault Akito, you conniving bastard, for turning everyone against me. Not that they didn't enjoy it, but you led them on. My life was really just a sadistic little game to you, wasn't it? Well, you can be glad, because you won. You didn't even have to kill me yourself; I spared you the trouble." _

A tear dripped onto the paper. He continued:

_ "But it's not just Akito; it's all of you__, you stupid zodiac people. And I finally figured the one way to stop you. Yuki, you damned rat, I'm not letting you beat me ever again; Momiji and Hiro, you spoilt little brats, you'll have laughed at me for the last time; Hatori, there's going to be no more of your 'calming me down'; the Yankee won't be forcing me into anything any time soon, and generally, nobody will have their way with Kyo Sohma ever again. And as for you, Shigure, now that I'm dead, find a way to make a crack about that."_

He paused again; there were three drops on the paper now:

_ "You don't really care though, do you__? Whoever you are; to you, chances are, I was just an annoyance, or comic relief at best. I'm crazy! I'm that poor crazy teenager that wants to get into the zodiac, remember? Wacky Kyo with his insufferable temper! Well, I've got news for you, b—h: I despise you just as much as you despise me. I'll be dead by the time you read this… So good riddance to both of us! I hate you all, you bastards!"_

_ "O__n this note:"_

_ "S—k my b—s, cruel world!"_

And here, Kyo put down the paper, muffled a sob, and wiped his eyes.

***

Meanwhile, down at the New Year's party, nobody really seemed to be missing the cat's presence. Shigure was at the centre of the room, and ready to perform the dance New Year's dance; behind him, the traditional musicians were tuning their pentatonic instruments. The dog was wearing a magnificent black silk kimono, embroidered with golden dragons and precious stones, so ornamented, his every move rung an appropriate tone. It was a brilliant sight to see.

***

But even as Shigure donned his New Year dress, Kyo was getting into his birthday suit.

The cat had thought over this particular matter many times, and he'd finally decided that, since he had no really good clothes, and much less clothes that would look good if soaked in water, he'd rather die naked. After all, if there was one thing he liked about himself, it was his body. It was pretty; even if it was too weak to put up a proper fight with Yuki, it was probably how he'd rather be seen in the bath. Not that he'd be around to care anymore.

"At least" he thought then "It was stronger than my soul"

But no… He couldn't blame anything on his soul: after all, it wasn't just Yuki that was against him: it was the whole world. And he couldn't possibly fight the whole world. He was alone; completely, absolutely, desperately alone. No man could live alone, without love. And that was why he was going to stop living.

***

The old Japanese music was sounding. Before the solemn look of the family, Shigure Sohma performed with sublime elegance the moves of the ancestral dance. Yet his mind was not in the ancient halls, but somewhere else. Rather, it was on the one family member that was missing; it was on his little cousin the cat. Yes; while he performed, Shigure was thinking about Kyo.

***

The latter was now naked. Carefully placing his note on the side of the bath, he climbed in. First one foot, then the other; he lowered himself into the water; it was warm... It really was a very comfortable way to die.

With a stern face, he wondered who'd be in charge of his funeral. From his father, he'd be lucky if he even sent him flowers. So it'd probably be between his teacher Kazuma and his guardian Shigure. As for his mother… well, he'd be seeing her real soon. If she'd be happy to see him was another question; he was, after all, a monster.

And here he broke. Until now, he'd kept himself to the best of his power angry and superior, and the only sentiment he'd let through, even in his suicide note, was rage and hatred; but rage and hatred aren't enough to push someone to kill himself. And so all the sadness, the dark, all-encompassing, terrifying sadness that was guiding his every move, broke out.

Kyo let out a wail of despair, and rivers of bitter tears began to flow from his eyes as he sobbed uncontrollably at the thought of his imminent death alone. Crying, crying like a child, crying like a baby except without the parents, he grabbed the pad, and began to write his second note:

This one was not written in the cold, cursive calligraphy of hatred; the burning, flame of searing pain had long melted that. The letters, trembling, hasty, mixed-up seemed almost themselves to take on a life of their own and reproduce the desperate sobs of their writer, trapped on the edge of a precipice, with the frigid indifference and shun of his life behind him, and before him the terrifying darkness of Death.

"_All I wanted"_ he wrote, sobbing _"All I wanted was to be one of you! All I ever hoped for in my life was to stop being alone; to stop being rejected; to finally get to be a part of something, to get some respect. All I ever dreamed and longed for was the ancient glory of the zodiac, and all I ever worked for was to be part of it. Why? Why? Why was I cursed to want something I could never have?"_

"_And why couldn't you just leave me alone? At least I would've been a monster, but a monster with some peace. But now… you just had to run after me, control me, never let me run away from my misery."_

"_But it's my fault: I wasn't good enough! I couldn't be good enough… Every moment, every step, every living breath I dedicated to doing this, and every moment, every step, every living breath went lost. My body wasn't strong enough, my reflex wasn't fast enough, my soul wasn't pure enough. I was… I was like a turtle needing to fly! I made every one else laugh and myself, alone, in my shell, cry."_

He paused; now his tears were silent and his sobs muffled:

"_Only three people__ ever really cared for me during my whole life: one of them, my master Kazuma, did it out of religious duty to his grandfather. I thank him, but it wasn't enough. The other, my mother, did it out of duty to her son; she couldn't bear it. I'm sorry. The last is my cousin Shigure… for him, I'll never know why he didn't, but it really doesn't matter because as you can see, he didn't exactly do a good job at it._

_No more life for me; it wasn't my destiny to be happy. Here I die, alone"_

The manuscript was soaked in tears; and as more of these rolled down his cheeks, Kyo though over his last lines again: no more life for him; it wasn't his destiny to be happy. Here he'd die, alone. A

All the sadness he was ashamed of and hiding in his first note, he'd let out in this second note. He'd needed to tell someone; but whom? In quivering letters, he wrote on the back of it a name. As if he were crying out for help to the person:

"_To Shigure"_

***

As this was happening, down in the banquet hall all eyes were stuck on Shigure. He was at the crowning finale of the ceremonial dance.

"Well, that's certainly a performance" whispered Akito.

"Yeah…" whispered Momiji "He looks so official"

"Nothing like in real life, kid, I assure you" whispered Hatsuharu.

But then, suddenly, the dog stopped: in the middle of his dance, he froze, ignoring the music, so that it itself soon faded away. There was a murmur of astonishment, but the dog didn't seem to care; he only looked around, on guard, very serious, as if he'd heard something of utmost importance. Then, he got of the stage.

"Kyo…" he muttered under his breath.

"Shigure!" demanded Akito in an angry voice "Where do you think you're going?"

"Don't wait for me" was his only answer; and with that, he exited the room.

"Whatever came over him?" said Hiro.

"Beats me" said Kagura.

***

Kyo was now laying down in the tub. He felt as if the cold devilish hand of death was already drying his long bottled-in tears. In his left hand, he clutched the note for Shigure; he hoped the rigor mortis would keep it dry.

***

Shigure rushed up the stairs:

"Kyo" he though t to himself, trying not to get tangled in his ceremonial kimono "I heard him! That's got to be him… I knew I shouldn't have left him alone."

***

Kyo took hold of the knife. How could his life end like this? It felt like he wasn't even controlling his hand anymore. He let out a moan of desperation.

***

Shigure rushed down the corridor; yes… that's where it had come from; and it was surely Kyo. Kyo never, ever cried; if Shigure had really heard that what he thought he'd heard, this had to be serious. He just prayed he wasn't too late… All the things he hadn't said; all the things he hadn't done… It couldn't be too late

***

Kyo moved the knife towards his right wrist; he was holding it in the same hand as the letter to Shigure.

***

Shigure got to the door; it was locked.

***

For his final words, Kyo shouted out, dramatically, desperately:  
"I hate you all!"

***

Shigure broke through the door.

***

For what seemed like an eternity, Kyo and Shigure looked each other in the eyes.

"Sh… Shigure?" whimpered Kyo.

"Kyo…" said Shigure, rushing to the side of the bath tub "Oh, Kyo, thank Heavens you're not hurt!"

There were a few more second of silence.

"What the… who… what the Hell are you doing here?" then cried out Kyo, suddenly feeling his hating, raging, self comeback to him, and suddenly too, also very ashamed of his situation. He was the kind of person who had as a boy made a point of trying not to let anyone but his mom see him cry; not that it had been of much avail, but you can imagine how he felt about people seeing him trying to kill himself.

"Kyo" answered so serious that one wouldn't have believed it was him "Kyo… put that knife down"

"No!" Kyo cried back, getting angrier by the minute "No! Why should I?"

And he tried one again to slit his wrists; but in an instant, his hand was stopped by the firm grip of Shigure. Perhaps slow reflexes aren't as bad as they're made out to be.

"Kyo" repeated the dog, leaning over him, not letting go of his arm "Kyo: put the knife down. Now."

"Why?" then cried out Kyo, tears once again rising to his eyes "Why the hell do I want to live? Nobody needs me, nobody likes me … What the f—k am I even doing here?"

And then he broke into sobs. He tried to hold back, but he couldn't; he tried to talk but none of the words came out, and, unwillingly, he hugged Shigure, and falling to pieces, he cried and cried inconsolably on his shoulder.

"Kyo" whispered Shigure into his ear "It's not true that nobody likes you"

"Oh yeah?" wailed Kyo "Name one person!"

"Shigure Sohma"

Kyo stopped.

"Sh… Shigure?"

"Yes, Shigure"

And on pronouncing his own name, Shigure kissed him: in one motion, he caught hold of the cat-boy's face, placed his lips on his, and with love, care and with endless passion slid his tongue through into Kyo's mouth and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. Kyo let the knife fall to the ground; he kissed Shigure back.

"You see?" said the latter, finally pulling away "Somebody does love you"

"Oh, Shigure" said Kyo, holding onto him very tight, still too stunned to really think "Shigure, do you really love me?"

"With all my heart?"

"Oh, Shigure, thank you" said Kyo "I don't want to be alone; I can't be alone. Please, Shigure… don't ever leave me alone again"

"Never in all time" lovingly reassured the dog.

And now that the danger was past, Shigure slowly got back to his old self; and one of his hands went down Kyo's arm and abdominals, and to someplace we cannot name herein for fear of discrediting the rating system.

"You know" he said, caressing said place "Since we've declared undying love to each other… and you're already naked… we could get some fun out of all this"

"Get off of me, you pervert!" said Kyo, who was as well slowly getting back to his senses.

"Come on" said Shigure with a grin "You know you like it… I can feel you like it. Now let me do to you what I've wanted to do to you ever since you came to live at my house, you feisty little cat"

And then Shigure made love to Kyo.

***

It was almost dawn when they were finally done. Kyo finally let himself fall, gasping, exhausted and naked on the floor:

"You… sick… bastard!" he panted.

"Oh, please" laughed Shigure, laying down beside him; he too was now naked, by the way, and just as sexy as Kyo, if quite larger "You came at least twice for every time I did"

And it was quite true; he'd done the cat-boy three times, twice in the kimono (once out of passion the passion, once for the heck of it) and once more after he threw it off, because, well, the night couldn't end without them having what Kyo called "real sex". Truth be told, the dog had in fact shown remarkable stamina, not to mention the size to go with it; in all the senses.

"I hate you" said Kyo pouting but nonetheless snuggling up to his new lover.

"No you don't" said Shigure.

"Okay…" said Kyo "Okay, I love you!"

Then, he added:

"Let's go home"

"Yeah" said Shigure "I guess we probably should go to bed now…"

"Damn right we should" said Kyo. "It's about time we got ourselves some sleep!"

But at this Shigure looked the cat-boy in the face and answered the question wearing devilish grin:

"Sleep?" he said in a naughty voice "Whoever said anything about sleep?"


End file.
